Chapter 25: Moving On and Letting Go
Ahsoka decided to do as Anakin had asked her and made her way to find Gwen. She wouldn’t be satisfied unless she also received an apology however; she thought it best if she made the first move. Force knew Gwen wasn’t going to do it.
She knew that Gwen would be with Bravon so she used the force to find out where they were. Ahsoka found them in Gwen bedroom. She heard them talking and decided to listen in.
“You know what you did was wrong.” Bravon said
“I didn’t mean to kill her, I was aiming for Ahsoka” Gwen said.
“You shouldn’t have been aiming for anyone.”
“She killed my aunt and drove my uncle away do you not get that?”
“Of course I get it but you need to understand what she is going through. Do you honestly think you’re the only one still hurting? You lost your aunt and uncle; she lost her parents and then got shipped off against her will. Granted she is very happy now but don’t you think it’s safe to say that she is in pain to? Especially since she thinks she is to blame?”
“She is to blame.”
“For what? Getting knocked unconscious while she was trying to save her mother? She was only three years old. She could have run, but she stayed and tried to do the right thing. She had no idea that the guy was behind her. She didn’t know that her father was gonna up and leave just like that. If anything the only person that could possibly be blamed for any suffering is her father for abandoning everyone in their time of need. Ahsoka was courageous and stuck by us the whole time, she even went against the Jedi Code to visit your family. Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on her?”
“I don’t know how else to cope…”
“How about talking to her?”
Ahsoka decided to open the door. “I think that’s the best idea I’ve heard so far.”
Bravon smiled at Ahsoka, squeezed Gwen’s hand and left the room.
“Gwen, I don’t know what I did wrong but I-”
“You do too know what you did.” Gwen spat.
“But do you really think that I wanted that to happen. That I tried to ruin everyone’s life including my own? I miss them too and I feel guilty.”
“You don’t act like it.”
“Because I had never come to terms with it until now. I can’t change the past Gwen, and bullying me isn’t gonna change anything either.”
Gwen sighed, “I just want my family back.” she said with tears forming in her eyes.
“I know, I do too.” Ahsoka embraced her cousin who let a few of her sobs escape.
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
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Once Gwen got control of her emotions the two left the room and followed Bravon back to the med room. Bravon held Gwen’s hand.
“I’m proud of you.” he whispered.
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Anakin was very pleased to see Gwen and Ahsoka talking as they made their way over to him and he shot her an approving smile.
Suddenly Gini came walking…or rather…trudging down the hall.
“Gini…I…I don’t know what to say…” Ahsoka hung her head sadly, fighting back tears of loss.
“I know Ahsoka, I miss her too.” Gini whispered.
Gwen remained silent and stared at the floor not daring to look Gini in the eye.
“Gwendolyn, are you alright?” Gini asked.
Ahsoka shot her a questioning look.
“I hate to interrupt but Gordon wants to discuss funeral matters with you.” Anakin chimed in.
They began to make their way into the living room but Anakin grabbed Ahsoka’s arm to stop her.
“She doesn’t know.”
“Not at all?”
“She’s been through enough Ahsoka we don’t need to cause her anymore emotional damage.”
“You’re right.”
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Everyone was getting ready for Rasi’s funeral. Anakin, Plo Koon, and Rex had all changed into black. The generals wore Jedi cloaks and Rex wore a black dress shirt. The rest of the togrutans had changed into heavy black robes. Ahsoka had been in her room for hours and Anakin was getting worried.
“Ahsoka?” he called as he gently knocked on the door.
…No reply…
“Snips it’s me…”
“I need to be alone.” came a sad voice.
“Ahsoka I know you’re in pain but we need to get going, the funeral starts soon.”
“I’m not going” came her muffled reply.
“Ahsoka Tano, open this door.”
He heard a groan and then the door slid open. Ahsoka was wearing a form fitting, long sleeve, scoop neck, black dress that went down a little past her knees. Her shoes where lying next to her bead and make up lay open on the dresser. She was curled up into a ball on her bed with her head in her knees.
“Ahsoka, talk to me.”
“No.” she replied.
“Snips, I can’t help you unless you tell me what you’re feeling.”
“I don’t want help and I don’t want to go.”
“And I don’t want to wear Jedi robes everyday because they are itchy but you know what sometimes you just gotta suck it up and deal with it.”
“I don’t think your robes compare to this.” Ahsoka mumbled with her head still shielded by her arm that were wrapped around her.
“You’re right, but it’s the same general principle. Ahsoka, Gini lost her daughter and she can barely keep herself together, but she is still going to stand up in front of people and say words she doesn’t want to say because that’s what Rasi asked her to do should anything ever happen to her. Rasi also wanted you to say something too.”
“I know, but I didn’t write anything.”
“Why?” he asked
“Because I can’t. Okay?” she snapped shifting position so that she was lying on her side facing away from him.
“Don’t get mad at me. I’m trying to help you.”
“Well it isn’t working so just go.”
“You know what Ahsoka, fine. I’m not gonna waste my energy trying to help you. Clearly your pain matters more to you than Rasi’s final wish. You know what you’re being really selfish.”
“Stop.” she said, her voice cracking
“Why should I?” he pried.
“Because I’m upset enough as it is!” she shouted, sitting up so she could look him in the face.
Anakin then saw that there was mascara running down her cheeks. Truthfully it seemed like she had done a pretty good job putting it on but now it was traveling down her face and the wet cloth on the night stand indicated that she had tried to wash is off. Her face displayed pure angst and sorrow.
“Oh, Ahsoka. I know you’re hurting but don’t shut me out Snips.” Anakin said gently.
“I don’t want to say good-bye. I don’t her to leave.”
“She’s already gone little one.”
“But I don’t want to believe it and stop calling me that.”
Anakin stood up and sighed, “If you don’t do this you’ll never have closure, trust me. I won’t force you to go but I know it would mean a lot to Rasi if you did.” he walked out of the room.
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Anakin and the rest of the gang sat in their seats and the music began to play. It was a recording the Rasi had made just recently.
When I am down and oh my soul so weary
When trouble comes and my heart burdened be.
The curtain opened and the coffin was brought down the aisle.
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
Anakin hoped that Ahsoka would show up.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
He knew what it felt like to lose someone close to you
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
He felt helpless, he wished he knew the words to say.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
He suddenly felt a termer or sadness in the force from a signature that was very familiar to him.
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
He began to look around and eventually saw something moving in one of the doorways.
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.
Then he saw Ahsoka…
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
She stayed hidden in the shadows as the elders blessed Rasi.
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
Ahsoka dared to glance at Anakin who was already looking at her. He gestured for her to come over but she shook her head.
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
Ahsoka continued to watch Rasi’s body be blessed and listen to the prayers. Suddenly she felt two strong hands on her shoulders and bent her head back to look her master in the eye.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
She gave him a small smile and thanked him silently. Anakin got the message and smiled back.
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.
Ahsoka looked over at the platform and saw Gini getting up with tears running down her face.
“My d-daughter…was the m-most amazing person I ever m-met. She was my p-pride and joy but also m-my best friend. I love her more than w-words can describe and I c-can’t wait to see her again.” she paused to let a few tears fall and then turned to look at her daughter’s coffin. “Rasi, I miss you so much and I am so proud of you and…and I know your father would be too. I know he will take care of you wherever you two are. I love you both so much and I know we will see each other again.” with that Gini whipped her tears away and looked out to the audience.
“Now in Rasi’s will, which she made after her father died, she said that she would want her best friend Ahsoka to say some words. So, Ahsoka Tano?”
Anakin froze and began to think of an excuse for his padawan, Fever…no…emotionally unstable…true but no…hm…Anakin wasn’t about to let his padawan be humiliated in fron of her friends and family so he started to take his hands off Ahsoka’s shoulders so he could go up and say some words for her. But much to his surprise Ahsoka remained calm and as soon as he removed his hands she slowly walked to the platform.
“I’m going to perfectly honest. I haven’t even begun to think about what I’m going to say because I really didn’t think I was coming this evening. I had planned on sulking in my room all night but a good friend talked me out of it.”
Anakin smiled.
“I never expected that I would be standing here before you, under these circumstances at the age of sixteen. I always thought I would be getting my first speeder or sneaking out after curfew, but I’m not. Instead, I am here saying my final goodbye to someone I thought of as my sister. I had imagined being a seventy something year old, retired Jedi when I would be asked to do this. But if Rasi taught me one thing during her short time in this world it is that things don’t always go the way we plan and sometimes we just have to go with what life gives us. I never thought I would be so grateful to someone who, when we were three, broke my leg by pushing me off the slide because she had called dibs.”
Everyone laughed at that.
“I wish I could have been here more, spent more time with her. But I don’t think anyone had ever expected something like this to happen. Rasi was strong, brave, and just plain amazing. She always got out of trouble…even if it meant getting me in it.”
More laughter was heard.
“So when I look out at all of you that loved and cared for Rasi, it hurts. It hurts to know that everyone here has this weighing down on their hearts just as I do. But Rasi wouldn’t want everyone to cry for her, she hated when people were sad. She would want people to share storied about her and all her crazy adventured like when we tried to follow a drain to see if they really did lead to the ocean. Wherever Rasi is now, I hope she is happy and I know that someday I will see her again because just like drain go to oceans, as Rasi and I discovered, all spirits go to heaven. I’ll see you there Rasi.” with that Ahsoka stepped down, hugged Gini and made her way back over to stand next to Anakin.
He leaded down and put an arm around her and whispered.
“I am so proud of you.”
